This post was first published by Croydon Advertiser on 01/04/2018.
Croydon’s IKEA towers and Stormzy to appear on new £10 notes
It is part of a radical attempt by the Bank of England to get young people spending more money.
Croydon’s IKEA towers and grime star Stormzy will feature on a new £10 note being brought into circulation next year, it has been announced.
The new note – that is also likely to have a picture of the Queen on it, as all British bank notes seem to for some reason – will replace the current version which features novelist Jane Austen.
The Bank of England has revealed that new £5, £10 and £20 notes will come into circulation – with each featuring a modern day celebrity.
There are fears that young people aren’t spending as much money as they should be because the current bank notes aren’t cool enough.
Bank of England boss Ivor Loadadosh explained: “Research has shown that people under the age of 20 aren’t spending as much money as they should be.
“You can normally rely on them to boost the economy by spending lots of money on One Direction posters, Harry Potter books and tattoos their parents don’t know about.
“That’s all changed, however. At first we thought it could be because university tuition fees are so disgustingly high or because they realise it will take them about 20 years of saving to afford a deposit for a one-bedroom flat barely bigger than a prison cell.
“But it turns out that the main reason was they find bank notes really uncool and that being in possession of one is about as embarrassing as when your dad tries to flirt with a waitress during a family meal at the local Toby Carvery.
“Nobody under the age of 20 knows who Jane Austen is because she has never been on Made In Chelsea and wasn’t on the last series of Love Island.”
Given that Stormzy is famously from Croydon he will appear on the new bank note in front of the town’s famous IKEA chimneys.
Mr Loadadosh said: “Young people love Stormzy, cheap Swedish furniture and throwing up in a hedge after drinking too many tequilas.
“We can’t really have someone chucking up their guts on a bank note so we are sticking with just Stormzy and the IKEA towers.”
To try and get down with the kids, the Bank of England is also replacing the current £5 notes.
At present they feature Winston Churchill but the new £5 notes will instead have a picture of reality TV star Joey Essex.
Mr Loadadosh explained: “Fair enough Churchill did a pretty good job in the war but he’s not very good looking compared to Joey Essex.
“And when we asked a group of young people if they knew who he was they assumed we were talking about the dog on those adverts on TV.”
The current £20 notes will be replaced too.
At present they feature a picture of Adam Smith but Bank of England bosses have admitted that nobody can remember who he actually is.
So instead the new £20 notes will feature TV favourite Peppa Pig in a bid to get under fives doing their bit for the economy by spending more money on sweeties that will spoil their dinner.
The Bank of England considered replacing the current £50 note too.
But it was decided there was no point as nobody has ever actually seen one anyway.
If the radical move is successful it is understood that the Royal Mail will swiftly follow suit by removing the Queen from postage stamps and replacing her with a picture of someone off Hollyoaks.